A few words about manners

I could write many words about manners (like, what happened to them?), but here, I am going to talk about a subject that came up between a friend and me during the holidays: hosting and attending dinner parties. My friend talked about potluck dinners for which the host barely contributes anything. I dislike the concept of the potluck if the people involved are not undergoing financial difficulties, but that is a matter of personal taste.

And yes, if you are hosting such a dinner, it is your obligation to provide at least one substantial dish, as well as a reasonable serving table, utensils, and perhaps music. Hosting a potluck is not an excuse to let other people do all of the work for you.

The discussion about potlucks made me think of a pet peeve of mine: the confusion over guest/host roles. Some people like to host dinner parties; others do not. Those who do not like to host dinners have the option of taking others out to dinner, which is fine. Almost everyone likes to be invited to a good dinner party, but not everyone knows how to be a guest.

A guest does not bring food to a dinner party. If you are lucky enough to be invited to dinner, it is your role to enjoy the host's cooking, not to show up as part of the kitchen crew, or beg to be one of the cooks. Cooking is what you do when you host a dinner party. Eating is what you do when you attend one.

It is not necessary to bring a gift to a dinner party, but if you wish to, remember that a bottle of wine--though a nice gift--will most likely not be drunk with dinner, since the host has already selected and prepared the wine for the evening. Flowers are probably the best gift, since they can be enjoyed right away.

Just as it is not your duty to cook for a dinner party, it is not your duty to clean up after one. Most hosts will not want you to even pick up your plate, but if you wish to--and no one stops you--that is as far as you should go. The exception is if you are at a very large dinner party and the host has not retained extra help. Then you may offer to help clean up. Another exception, of course, is if you are a houseguest. Then you will want to do as much as possible to help the host.

Being a guest is just as important a role as being a host, and being a guest means that you are there to enjoy the generosity and hospitality of others. So relax and enjoy.